Confessions of a Sentimentalist

jotting the history; living the moment; dreaming the future

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the rain after a long drought

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It’s been a long time.

And all it took for me to remember the existence of a blog that had once been the epitome of the highlights (and maybe lowlights) of my life was a shot at putting all my thoughts into words while sharing photos of Spain on Facebook. (Yes, I actually got myself to Europe. How did that happen?!) It’s like a freaking dam broke and suddenly my brain exploding with phrases and sentences and feelings and emotions all at once. And then I am writing this.

It took some time, I know. Quite some time. I completely get it. I would probably regret it when I look back gazillion years later, only to find this gap of nothingness during the days between the pre- and post-poly graduation. If I could use one word to sum it all up?

INSANITY.

Well at times it’s rainbows and unicorns but sometimes the unicorns just had to pretend it was the amazing Niagara Falls and shit some bricks and have it land and pound on your head continuously. Seriously, at times like these you would never know where it is gonna land and when it is gonna hit.

And let’s face it. I have never really been at ease with filling a piece of paper with my feelings like I was Shakespeare. I was never able to do that; it was difficult for me to write like I am an English major – which I am clearly not – or a blogger or even someone who has the English language as her first-language, and I absolutely hated that I didn’t have this talent. But hey, I came through. And here I am exploding words that hopefully mean something, not that I care if it makes sense to others anymore. Hah.

This hiatus has been one of the most enduring path towards self-discovery and esteem. And it hasn’t stop. I don’t think it ever will, nor do I wish it would. At least I guess that’s how people learn and progress, right?

The transition from a student to having a diploma and making use of it in the real world – in other words, the twenties – isn’t a small feat. Lots of hurdles – confusions, anger, lacking of direction and a myriad of emotions I didn’t even think had existed just appeared in my life like it was meant to be there. But I have come out being a wiser, stronger (in mind, prolly not body), and improved person than I once was. Well that and may be a little more introverted as well. Okay.

But this doesn’t mean it’s over. Just because I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel AS OF NOW, it doesn’t mean there won’t be any more deep and dark and long and dark tunnels and caves that I will venture upon in the future. But I’ll keep holding on. I hope. Hopefully.

I really wish this sudden adrenaline to write isn’t a one-off kind of thing. I want to come back. I couldn’t really do it on paper because of the never-ending thoughts that come spewing itself at me that I could never be able to catch up. But this typing thing works as of now. I have always loved the idea of transforming my abstract thoughts that come and go into concrete elements that I would always be able to look back. I love that I am able to write and reconnect with myself through my words. This new chapter is gonna rock. And like every other, I don’t know what will come next. But I’ll have to face it anyway.

For now, it’s more lesson plans I have to face.

Til next time!

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Written by GekTeng

July 17, 2014 at 12:26 AM

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looooooong story short.

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Written by GekTeng

July 31, 2012 at 11:56 PM

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Disconnected.

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Been having headaches all day, and at the end of the day, ‘disconnected’ is the word that best describes today.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been having migraines and headaches every thursdays ever since school started. And I don’t know why.

Well one thing I know is Thursdays suck! All those tutorials and all, oh my, thinking about them again makes the headache come back.

We’ve just completed and submitted our first assignment of the semester, and starting on many others. I wonder how I’m gonna cope, seriously. But every time when I have thoughts like these, I’ll tell myself, one year later after it’s all over, you’ll look back and wonder why you even bother to get so worried. Hahaa, aftermath of the things to come.

What?

I’m not really pleased with my performance lately. With everything. I seem to be getting more and more lethargic as days pass, cos of the crazy insomniac nights I suffer. And I don’t even know why. Is it a psychological thing? Am I getting stress that I don’t even know I’m under? All I know is if I don’t get enough sleep, I will suffer. Big time.

I find myself losing focus on lots of things. Having problems with listening and understanding what people say, sometimes not even wanting to talk or converse anymore. It comes to a point where I’m not even the least interested in what is going on anymore.

I went back to GHPS today, yea, with the headaches and all that. Didn’t really do much, but was helping out at infant care, which I LOOOOOVE, by the way! They were a little shorthanded today and although there weren’t lots of kids left, there’s still a few. At some point of time I was left to jaga them alone. Now that I think about it, I think the reason why Pippa cried and why Coen decided not to drink his milk was mainly because of me! Of how unfamiliar this person is, and how they are with me alone. Yikes, I think I could have handled the situation better. Clearly I wasn’t thinking deep enough.

Ever since I started work, I found out this bad habit of mine. I dislike making mistakes. I’m afraid of making them. And I care too much about how others will think about me once I screw something up. And the bad thing is, the more I try to not screw up, the more nervous and uptight I become, and as a result, TADA. I don’t know if it’s the perfectionist in me or what, but I always feel like I could do better. And with my current state, where I can’t seem to focus, can’t seem to write notes fast enough, can’t seem to catch what the lecturer said a few minutes ago, can’t seem to figure out why my poor Pippa is crying when the only reason is because she may be insecure with me, I falter emotionally. Seriously, I can do better. I should. For the betterment of the kids I am going to teach, and of course, myself as a teacher. A soon-to-be teacher.

And sometimes I think I lack the confidence to speak up, to say no, to stand up for what I believe in, and sometimes I don’t know. I don’t know how to react and how to be street smart as a ‘working adult’.

Seriously, there’s so much I have to work on, it’s a great big world outside, and I’m just starting out. I have lots to learn. I need to be more assertive. Confident. Creative. Humble.

And just open my arms wide to accept what the world has to offer. The good, and the bad. And the ugly.

Let’s do this.

Written by GekTeng

May 3, 2012 at 11:25 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

Ah ma, ah Yi, and I

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Ah ma: are you going with ah Yi to buy dinner?
Me: ya, I thought I just told you I will?
Ah ma: oh okay.
Me: …
Ah ma: …
Ah Yi (who was walking with us all along): so are you coming with me or not?
Me: *sigh* …
Ah ma: eh don’t be so lazy, go with your aunt.
Me: okay, I never said I wouldn’t.
Ah Yi: so are you coming with me?

Written by GekTeng

April 30, 2012 at 12:21 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Of yesterday and today and (maybe) tomorrow.

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Yesterday was my unofficial last day at GHPS. I’ll still be coming back during school holidays and also some free fridays during the academic year though. My little cutiepie got suspected of HFMD too.. Poor thing. I think she kinda knew something was wrong when she had to stay in her crib in infant care, then after that to be wheeled in to the office. I wasn’t there when she got to the office though, busy in classrooms or whatever, I forgot. When I got back I saw she wasn’t her usual happy and fiesty self. She sat in the corner of her crib and was sniffing badly. Heartbreak. I never thought I will ever have a chance to see her being so upset. Never want to again. Not any child. Ever. But well, she was so well-liked by the teachers and all that some including me came and hushed her a little. HEr parents were super efficient. She hasn’t even had her lunch before her father arrived in school to pick her up. I remembered giant baby went home in the late afternoon after spending the whole afternoon with us in the office. Speaking about giant baby, I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks already! He’ll be coming back to school the day I start school. I miss him hahaa!

Of today. Actually the previous paragraph is just to calm me down. I’m gonna have my driving test in approximately 3 hours time and I’m scared stiff. I don’t think I will do that well, But I DON’T WANNA FAIL! It’s such a scary feeling arrrrgh! I don’t even know how to explain. What if I forget to check something? or turn the mirrors back to place after I finish parking? I don’t even wanna start worrying. Earlier on I was sitting on a chair in the woodlands library visualising the circuit routines. Everyone who walked pass (luckily there was only a few) was looking at me quizzically. I wonder how I looked then. Like I’m daydreaming? NO I’M DOING SERIOUS STUFF. SERIOUS STUFF GOING THROUGH MY HEAD NOW YAW! So now’s my relax and breathe in breathe out HOO HOO HAA HAA time. Later I will want to visualise again. And road conditions, PLEEEEASE BE GOOD! Don’t have so many cars roaming around and all PLEASE. and stupid cars/vans/trucks/lorries stop loitering near road junctions and all! don’t even appear and block my lane. I remember the last time I was so scared was during my piano exams I think. uGH i DON’T EVEN WANNA THINK ABOUT IT. I just know I don’t wanna come back to that SSDC anymore for more driving lessons and burn a hole in my/my father’s pocket. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PASS. DON’T STRIKE OR MOUNT AND STUPID KERBS PLEASE. nonono.

Okay. Of tomorrow. What happens today will affect tomorrow. In less than 4 hours time (I think…) I will know if I’m able to drive or not. Then if I reeealy could (that means I PASS), I can finally get to drive 2 cars. my dad’s, or my aunt’s. So pleaseeeeeee. MAINTAIN. IMPROVE. REMEMBER!

and most importantly, BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT HOO HOO HAA HAA.

Written by GekTeng

April 13, 2012 at 12:57 PM

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my mood is swinging is swinging

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I feel compelled to blog today, especially after such a sad crappy post from yesterday.

So today has been a rather nice day, except I’m a little ill AGAIN.

Damn, being ill SUCKS. Okay let’s not be negative today.

So we went to the temple to visit my deceased grandpa like we do every year. It’s like a small family gathering where my paternal relatives gather and catch up. I didn’t really take part in the conversations, but I really enjoyed listening to their stories from work and all that. I guess some (or most!) of my dramatic genes comes from my father and his sisters. Hehehehe it’s just so interesting and funny to watch and listen to them talk.

I found out Pinterest finally did some changes to their terms, so I went back to repinning and boy, oh boy I looooove that site. Found so much teaching tips and ideas I almost wept. I found a new author that I really love too! Marianne Richmond is her name, and I adore her illustrations. Love the topics that she touches on in her children’s books – of love, self-respect and all those things that make my heart flutter as I imagine myself sharing them to children. My future children, and those that I’m going to teach. I’m so inspired all of a sudden, you know? There’s so many possibilities and I’m actually excited to graduate and be a full-fledged teacher. 

Gosh I miss the kiddos in Genius Hive. Especially the infants, since I spent some time there helping out. I didn’t really help out in the child care section, but I really look forward to knowing each and every child there! I can’t wait to finish my main workload and help out in the classrooms. See, I’m getting more and more attached to this place.Is this what I want? I don’t know, since it’s only a temporary job. Is this something that make me happy? HELL YEAH. All the time.

I wonder if it’s a good thing to get so easily attached to something/ some place/ someone?

HMMS, only time will tell I guess.Let’s revisit this topic again soon.

Alrighto burrito, so these are some things that are going through my mind now. I need to sleep already, the flu meds are kicking in quickly and I’m losing consciousness as I type. Hahaha!

Great blogging session, GekTeng! Yay! I shall blog more often. Yes. I really should. But what if the things I blog are more or less the same? Ok whatever. I shall blog whatever.

good ni..zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Written by GekTeng

March 25, 2012 at 9:01 PM

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Carry on.

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Carry on.

The little things that keep me going.

Written by GekTeng

February 7, 2012 at 10:38 PM

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