Confessions of a Sentimentalist

jotting the history; living the moment; dreaming the future

Archive for the ‘My Rants’ Category

Crawling moments, tiring days.

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3 days in to school, and boy, it sure is tiring. It’s back to those ‘good’ old days where I am rarely NOT tired or sleepy, EVEN after naps. I don’t know why this happens, right after the first day of school still!

And sometimes I forgot I’m already a Year 3. Hahaha, even though it’s been tough the past 2 semesters, I still have this ‘Year 2’ feeling in me. Denying the fact that things are gonna get tougher and tougher as I progress? I GUESS SO.

Lessons are coming along well, I’m still catching up, thank god. We’re taking modules regarding MANAGING a childcare centre as a principal (not like I ever see myself being one) but yeah, lots of admin details, getting to know the laws and ministries involved, global issues, finance and budgeting YADA YADA. However challenging and overwhelming the module ‘teachers as researchers’ is, I am actually glad to have such good lecturers like Sukuna and Lavina to guide us through. Hopefully I will be able to do the final project in GHPS and which they changed from group to individual component. I’d love to get back there and work with the teachers and children! Really pumped! Haha!

And it’s good seeing my lovely musketeers too! I know we don’t really initiate meetups and gatherings once we’re out of school BUT when we get back together when school reopens, we’re still the same old us hahaha! Same lame jokes and funny epic moments.

Mawar got her scholarship money and as promised, treated us to lunch! We went to J3 which is a new shopping centre at jurong east. It’s funny how I still get the chills just seeing the place alone and recall how I felt during the various piano exams that are held in that place. I think I’ll never be able to get over it. Oh, main point being, the chef cooked some awesome vegetarian dish for me, saying that the dish that I originally ordered contained chicken powder. Thank god for good service hahaha! The roasted broccoli and carrots reminded me of that complimentary dish we had that fateful night we walked into the Italian restaurant in back in Perth!


Today was Sheena’s first day of work without Hafiza and me, and we sent her this drama mama photo of us for her to prop in front of her work desk so that it will appear that we’re still seated and working opposite her. Hahaha!


Okay, that’s all for tonight! Tomorrow Hafiza and I will be taking a trip to the bakery store and maybe get some butter for mother too. Friday is the day I go back to GHPS! Cant wait!


Written by GekTeng

April 18, 2012 at 10:44 PM

Another long and complicated story I don’t want to speak or remember in detail of.

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It’s been a long time I’ve felt this way. I can’t even start to explain why. There’s this irritant in my system which makes me feel angry and upset at everything and anything tonight. So it’s not a good evening at all.

Even though I’m baking brownies. Even though I SHOULD be excited about it. Even though. Even… hais.

“Why bake when no one in the house is gonna eat it?”

Lots going through my mind now.

The first one went along the lines of reminding myself to give appreciation and positive vibes, not negative ones.

The other one that pops up in my mind every once in a while… to give undivided attention to my future children. IMPORTANT. For example, you don’t go saying “oh how can I miss washing this dirty bowl!” and walk off when your child is showing you something that is clearly important to her, since she’s smiling so much showing it to you. Do you even notice that?

The brownies are done, the smell is kind of overpowering for my moody self. Let’s feel better soon.

“Why purchase that electric mixer when you don’t want us to bake?!”

Written by GekTeng

March 24, 2012 at 9:47 PM

the thing with travelling and vacations

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It’s so frustrating. I just want to make a random out-of-the-spur decision to book the latest flight to somewhere. ANYWHERE. And just roam about. With my camera. Enough food. And of course MONEY.

I’ve been wanting to holiday for a really long time now, and please, not tours. I hate tours, to be very honest. I want to explore based on what I am interested in, and without any plans, routines, datelines and irritating morning calls to stress about when I’m vacationing. I want to shop when I want to, and stop whenever I want to. I don’t want a damn timetable to follow. Imagine if you’re given 1 hour to shop vivo city? INSANE.

I want to just see and feel the real life of living in the environment with natives, and not to go to tourist spots and attractions. That’s all so fake. I wanna see the real thing. How people live. What do they do after work. Do shops close at 5PM everyday or 24/7? Where do locals go frequently? What do they do? Do they hang their clothes outside in bamboo sticks?

I want to just go somewhere, take a public transport, listen to what people talk about, alight at some random stops, see a random diner and get food, see a random decent looking hotel/motel and stay a night. Then go out to explore again. I want a free, no boundaries, no expectations or limits, I WANT THE REAL THING.

Going/planning with aunts. Conservative aunts who ALWAYS go on tour and throw their money to agencies to have them settle everything. NOT GOOD. I don’t feel very encouraged, or even excited to go out anymore. They keep saying, “You think it’s that easy?” Oh, come on, try and I’ll know! I want a life with risks, and opportunities. To get lost. And find my way again. and get lost again. And maybe find some friends and get to know new people.

Am I really sounding over-confident about this whole go-with-the-flow approach to travelling?

I don’t know, maybe I will one day, when I pick up enough guts to leave and also enough money to spend and support my travelling plans. But it’s really frustrating that they are holding me back and belittling my plans? I mean, hello, people are doing this everywhere, get on a plane to anywhere in the world and just EXPLORE FREELY.

The world has so much to offer. I have so much to learn and know. I want to experience and see things from different perspectives and appreciate what the world has to offer. And most importantly, I’m so young, I wanna do all these when I still have the energy and ability to do so.

And I feel so held back by my family’s need to protect and reluctance to a laidback kind of trip where you just go last minute.

But then again.

Oh well.

I just wanna travel the world. Freely. Go wherever I want, Wherever anything takes me to.

I don’t know, but it’s not a good feeling when you know you can do and experience much more, but you’re just tied to something that refuses to let go.

You understand?

Written by GekTeng

August 21, 2011 at 1:00 AM


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Dear diary,

I think I’m getting more and more desperate and worried as days and weeks go by. I’m losing patience, hope, and confidence in myself. I doubt almost everything I do, especially with lesson plans and the supervision. I’m faltering because I don’t think I can do a good job. Am I just over-stressing myself and getting too worried for nothing? Something tells me to follow my gut, like I’ve always did, in whatever I do, but there’s always another voice inside me questioning my plans and even what I believe in.

I find myself getting more introverted. Other than buddies I meet everyday, I find that I can’t bring myself to even start a proper conversation with random friends I meet in buses and or other places now. And I feel bad about it. What’s wrong with me, seriously?

As much as I can get hyped and cheered up easily, my down days are just like bottomless pitholes. They send me falling down and down and down until I feel like giving up. Until I forgot why I’m here. Until I think my passion is the one pulling me down and apart instead of getting me shaped into a better and happier being.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to feel. People in third world countries are suffering and starving while I’m here contemplating of my life struggles. Those that are just peanuts compared to what they are suffering from. Then I feel like a selfish and arrogant bitch who doesn’t know how to cope with challenges.

Ah I feel like a loser. Times like these really suck. And what’s worse, I don’t know what I need. Sure, I can be laughing and cracking jokes with friends in school, but when I’m alone and coping with assignments and all these crap ALONE, that’s when all the devils and demons in me come out to play. And they’re doing a darn good job at it too.

I just wish all this could stop. I wish I can just do what I like, what I want at the beginning of joining this course. Sure, it’s been a fun ride, but it’s a new low I’m suffering now. I know the demands from this course is realistic and needed to help us become early childhood educators, but truthfully what has this rigid system done to us? Are they reeling more professionals in or driving all of us out?

Well here’s something from the bottom of my heart: I hate writing lesson plans. I hate being so unsure of myself. I hate that overwhelming fear I have that I might screw things up. I just hate everything I’m feeling now.

I wish it would all go away. I need someone to tell me that it’s alright, go ahead with it, everything’s gonna be alright, but my mom’s just here telling me to stop whining cos she’ll be worried. And so I did and now she’s not worried but I think she should be because I’ll be bottling everything inside of me, all my worries, fears and doubts. They have no place to go and I’ll have to cope them by myself cos no one will help me kick their asses out of my head.

I need answers. Lots of them.

Written by GekTeng

July 6, 2011 at 10:15 PM

Posted in A Wordy Life, My Rants

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It’s a very sad thing to not be able to publish the previous post I’ve written. Basically it’s a DSLR VS iPhone post out my experiences photographing babies – Jovianne to be specific.

But oh well! Respect is more important and the mother disagreed for the pictures I posted along with my post to be viewed by the public, so I had to oblige. Not my child, not my say.

It’s just a super sad thing for me aiyoooooo.

So wasted. My efforts. Gone. To. Waste.

Please get the password from me, those who knows me. And take a look at what I’ve concocted in this PRIVATE POST.

Respectful and melancholy GEKTENG outta here!

Written by GekTeng

March 30, 2011 at 7:19 PM


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Yep, that’s how my Saturday went.

Coupled with an unsolved/ignored case of my missing internet connection and the shitty 3G signal I get when using internet tethering has totally set me on a verge of screaming and yelling, “LET ME GO BACK TO AHMA’S! OR ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THIS SUFFOCATING HELL!”

I need a retreat. A back to basics kind of runaway plan.

Gosh, I felt really bad for my endless rantings on this site. At first this was my a-picture-a-day photography site, then it became an occasional one after I bailed out on my initial plan. Then I transferred all my life on my blogosphere on blogger here.

But I don’t deserve all these crap either. Argh, Life feels so meaningless and empty, I wished there are better things for me to do around here. But NOTHING. PUI.

I don’t like being emotional and being vulnerable. Especially in front of my parents. I feel like a loser.

Or maybe I’m just PMSing.

GGT out.

Written by GekTeng

March 26, 2011 at 11:39 PM

Posted in A Wordy Life, My Rants

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with 3 comments

Apparently no one cares. I come home, they tell me they’re having problems with the internet and all, and expect me to solve EVERYTHING. DAMMIT.

What makes my blood boil is that everyone’s busy watching that bloody television programme I love, not caring what the hell I’m doing, or the obvious fact that I’m on the verge of throwing the laptop on the ground.

And I’m sure after they realised they are still having the same problem they come back to me and COMPLAIN.

And it’s not that I don’t have another way of connecting to the internet. Thanks to my internet tethering from iPhone, I don’t even need a goddamn internet connection in the house. I won’t give a shit about this stupid thing anymore, since no one actually bothers to give ME a damn, when I’m actually helping out.

I hate moments when people around me don’t value me and all that. I don’t actually have IT knowledge, I just read instructions and carry them out. And when my solutions actually work, it doesn’t mean it will FOREVER. Please don’t effing take me for granted. The difference between me and you, is that I look for solutions, while you just wait for people to solve the problems for you.

And I didn’t know looking for solutions to solve problems will actually lead me to THIS.

For now I’m just gonna let it slip and basically HECK CARE. What’s important is that I have the connection, it’s you guys who doesn’t. And since no one’s supporting or even caring about me when I attempt to help, then I might as well stop doing anything and everything I can. Cos’ it’s not worth it at all.

See, there goes my good mood. Welcome, insecurities, I feel so lousy all of a sudden. Bye.

Written by GekTeng

March 24, 2011 at 11:13 PM

Posted in A Wordy Life, My Rants

Tagged with ,

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