Confessions of a Sentimentalist

jotting the history; living the moment; dreaming the future

Disconnected.

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Been having headaches all day, and at the end of the day, ‘disconnected’ is the word that best describes today.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been having migraines and headaches every thursdays ever since school started. And I don’t know why.

Well one thing I know is Thursdays suck! All those tutorials and all, oh my, thinking about them again makes the headache come back.

We’ve just completed and submitted our first assignment of the semester, and starting on many others. I wonder how I’m gonna cope, seriously. But every time when I have thoughts like these, I’ll tell myself, one year later after it’s all over, you’ll look back and wonder why you even bother to get so worried. Hahaa, aftermath of the things to come.

What?

I’m not really pleased with my performance lately. With everything. I seem to be getting more and more lethargic as days pass, cos of the crazy insomniac nights I suffer. And I don’t even know why. Is it a psychological thing? Am I getting stress that I don’t even know I’m under? All I know is if I don’t get enough sleep, I will suffer. Big time.

I find myself losing focus on lots of things. Having problems with listening and understanding what people say, sometimes not even wanting to talk or converse anymore. It comes to a point where I’m not even the least interested in what is going on anymore.

I went back to GHPS today, yea, with the headaches and all that. Didn’t really do much, but was helping out at infant care, which I LOOOOOVE, by the way! They were a little shorthanded today and although there weren’t lots of kids left, there’s still a few. At some point of time I was left to jaga them alone. Now that I think about it, I think the reason why Pippa cried and why Coen decided not to drink his milk was mainly because of me! Of how unfamiliar this person is, and how they are with me alone. Yikes, I think I could have handled the situation better. Clearly I wasn’t thinking deep enough.

Ever since I started work, I found out this bad habit of mine. I dislike making mistakes. I’m afraid of making them. And I care too much about how others will think about me once I screw something up. And the bad thing is, the more I try to not screw up, the more nervous and uptight I become, and as a result, TADA. I don’t know if it’s the perfectionist in me or what, but I always feel like I could do better. And with my current state, where I can’t seem to focus, can’t seem to write notes fast enough, can’t seem to catch what the lecturer said a few minutes ago, can’t seem to figure out why my poor Pippa is crying when the only reason is because she may be insecure with me, I falter emotionally. Seriously, I can do better. I should. For the betterment of the kids I am going to teach, and of course, myself as a teacher. A soon-to-be teacher.

And sometimes I think I lack the confidence to speak up, to say no, to stand up for what I believe in, and sometimes I don’t know. I don’t know how to react and how to be street smart as a ‘working adult’.

Seriously, there’s so much I have to work on, it’s a great big world outside, and I’m just starting out. I have lots to learn. I need to be more assertive. Confident. Creative. Humble.

And just open my arms wide to accept what the world has to offer. The good, and the bad. And the ugly.

Let’s do this.

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Written by GekTeng

May 3, 2012 at 11:25 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

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