Confessions of a Sentimentalist

jotting the history; living the moment; dreaming the future

Insecurities

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Dear diary,

I think I’m getting more and more desperate and worried as days and weeks go by. I’m losing patience, hope, and confidence in myself. I doubt almost everything I do, especially with lesson plans and the supervision. I’m faltering because I don’t think I can do a good job. Am I just over-stressing myself and getting too worried for nothing? Something tells me to follow my gut, like I’ve always did, in whatever I do, but there’s always another voice inside me questioning my plans and even what I believe in.

I find myself getting more introverted. Other than buddies I meet everyday, I find that I can’t bring myself to even start a proper conversation with random friends I meet in buses and or other places now. And I feel bad about it. What’s wrong with me, seriously?

As much as I can get hyped and cheered up easily, my down days are just like bottomless pitholes. They send me falling down and down and down until I feel like giving up. Until I forgot why I’m here. Until I think my passion is the one pulling me down and apart instead of getting me shaped into a better and happier being.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to feel. People in third world countries are suffering and starving while I’m here contemplating of my life struggles. Those that are just peanuts compared to what they are suffering from. Then I feel like a selfish and arrogant bitch who doesn’t know how to cope with challenges.

Ah I feel like a loser. Times like these really suck. And what’s worse, I don’t know what I need. Sure, I can be laughing and cracking jokes with friends in school, but when I’m alone and coping with assignments and all these crap ALONE, that’s when all the devils and demons in me come out to play. And they’re doing a darn good job at it too.

I just wish all this could stop. I wish I can just do what I like, what I want at the beginning of joining this course. Sure, it’s been a fun ride, but it’s a new low I’m suffering now. I know the demands from this course is realistic and needed to help us become early childhood educators, but truthfully what has this rigid system done to us? Are they reeling more professionals in or driving all of us out?

Well here’s something from the bottom of my heart: I hate writing lesson plans. I hate being so unsure of myself. I hate that overwhelming fear I have that I might screw things up. I just hate everything I’m feeling now.

I wish it would all go away. I need someone to tell me that it’s alright, go ahead with it, everything’s gonna be alright, but my mom’s just here telling me to stop whining cos she’ll be worried. And so I did and now she’s not worried but I think she should be because I’ll be bottling everything inside of me, all my worries, fears and doubts. They have no place to go and I’ll have to cope them by myself cos no one will help me kick their asses out of my head.

I need answers. Lots of them.

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Written by GekTeng

July 6, 2011 at 10:15 PM

Posted in A Wordy Life, My Rants

Tagged with ,

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