Confessions of a Sentimentalist

jotting the history; living the moment; dreaming the future

>i was thinking…

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>hmms. sometimes people just started thinking. seriously now i believe; thought that you gather yourself when you are alone. hmms. they are really quite scary. too depressing for a human to take everything alone. i think that’s why suicides occur. because one thinks too much; when they are alone. i’ve done my bit of thinking today. althugh my head was still throttling, i had the right mind to think. or ya. just think.

sometimes it’s just so scary to think about everything that’s happening around you, and how you wished it was just an illusion. hmms. i don’t know what i’m saying. i’ve been feeling alot these days. thinking. making up ‘wise’ quotes of life. or something. and i’m not proud to say i’ve been making up all these today, cos’ usually when i start to think like this and make up things like this, it’s when emotion just takes over you. and you have no choice but to think. and think. and think. the normal GEKTENG will only be the one laughing and making people laugh, busy enough not to think. to think about those scary things. it’s when you’re alone, and have nothing to do, when you start to think. just like what i’ve been doing on the way home on the bus. in that rush of the moment i just had so much to blog about. but now haha. the feeling’s gone, and so are my ‘wise’ words of the day that failed miserably to come out.

well. i woke at 4 in the morning today. might think it’s too early for a sick eprson. but what to do? it’s social studies. i had simply no other choice. i’ve decided that, waking up this early, when everyone is sleeping and all, is quite a good routine to start the day. can tend to see time passing by; when the sky lights up bit by bit, following by the increasing number of lights that will be seen lighted; just as the world gradually starts to light up. although this wasn’t my point of waking up early today, but i’ve managed to observe all this. and it’s just so beautiful; when you see people gradually starting their new day with the world, when the sun rises up. suddenly it just seemed to be so peaceful, and everything seemed to be alright; and nothing could go wrong. but that’s just a wishful thinking of mine. a thought that had somewhat managed to brighten up my day.

i was lucky to still have possess a clear mind when the test starts. but the day just seem to get blurrer and blurrer each lesson; as my focus and attention was gradually being seeped away from me; and gone with the wind. maybe waking up too early may be a bad idea afterall, i decided. by the time chinese started, my head was whirling. i didn’t manage to focus alot on the paper itself. and i felt so helpless and bad about myself. why did i choose this time to be ill? it’s just not the right time, but i just had to perservere on and do my best. and of course, the results of that paper will not reflect of my best. and i’m afriad of what might happen to me next. i just don’t want to be kicked out of the class. my chinese teacher is just too good to be true. but today, i can’t help but to disappoint her. and i’m feeling sorry. not to her, but to myself.

i skipped choir today. and i’ve been thinking of what the teachers might think. they might think it’s just an excuse of mine to be absent so that i could study for common test. which really wasn’t true. but i do not seem to care now. but instead i just felt so bad about me leaving the class to do some decorations for the US delegates tomorrow. this left me in awe. i’m now actually more tied up, or.. hmms. concerned about the class, which i’ve spent with just less than 1 year, more than my passion towards choir. i think the feeling just fades off when time passes by. and now, towards choir, i’m feeling that same feel that i once had for student council. i’ve come to know that, even though a replacement for this conductor for choir is an easy task, but once this important person is gone, and so is my passion for choir. and through this, i’m glad that i had other stuffs like the council to keep my life going right. i’ve opened myself up to the council after that and made alot of new friends through the council too. as the saying goes, when one door closes, windows tend to open! (or something like that) i’ve also learnt alot from my beloved 3/6 class. haha. they made learning and working together more fun now! and i’m so greatful that Bernice actually made the speech that made everyone wake up and actually do something for the class. and, hard work really pays off, we did a wonderful job for CD through the arts :P, and i’m sure we’ll do even better for national day celebration, with our songs, and the lovely mascot!

i was quite sad i was not in the right situation and all to participate in the mascot making and decorating of the class today after school. i felt quite sad about it. now even the class was in a more important place in my heart, compared to choir. haha.

and so i went home and got some sleep and all. although the 1hour of sleep doesn’t really helped me in healing nor feeling better, it doesn’t do any harm to me ba. i’m still slacking now, and giving myself this unpardonable excuse that i’m sick and therefore couldn’t study. and i hate myself for giving myself this excuse, and although i know it’s unpardonable, but i’m still living through this pack of nonsense that i’ve created for myself. how i wished i could just fall to sleep, and wake up, only to find myself healing for the better. it just sucks being sick.


Written by GekTeng

August 4, 2008 at 7:55 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

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