Confessions of a Sentimentalist

jotting the history; living the moment; dreaming the future

the rain after a long drought

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It’s been a long time.

And all it took for me to remember the existence of a blog that had once been the epitome of the highlights (and maybe lowlights) of my life was a shot at putting all my thoughts into words while sharing photos of Spain on Facebook. (Yes, I actually got myself to Europe. How did that happen?!) It’s like a freaking dam broke and suddenly my brain exploding with phrases and sentences and feelings and emotions all at once. And then I am writing this.

It took some time, I know. Quite some time. I completely get it. I would probably regret it when I look back gazillion years later, only to find this gap of nothingness during the days between the pre- and post-poly graduation. If I could use one word to sum it all up?

INSANITY.

Well at times it’s rainbows and unicorns but sometimes the unicorns just had to pretend it was the amazing Niagara Falls and shit some bricks and have it land and pound on your head continuously. Seriously, at times like these you would never know where it is gonna land and when it is gonna hit.

And let’s face it. I have never really been at ease with filling a piece of paper with my feelings like I was Shakespeare. I was never able to do that; it was difficult for me to write like I am an English major – which I am clearly not – or a blogger or even someone who has the English language as her first-language, and I absolutely hated that I didn’t have this talent. But hey, I came through. And here I am exploding words that hopefully mean something, not that I care if it makes sense to others anymore. Hah.

This hiatus has been one of the most enduring path towards self-discovery and esteem. And it hasn’t stop. I don’t think it ever will, nor do I wish it would. At least I guess that’s how people learn and progress, right?

The transition from a student to having a diploma and making use of it in the real world – in other words, the twenties – isn’t a small feat. Lots of hurdles – confusions, anger, lacking of direction and a myriad of emotions I didn’t even think had existed just appeared in my life like it was meant to be there. But I have come out being a wiser, stronger (in mind, prolly not body), and improved person than I once was. Well that and may be a little more introverted as well. Okay.

But this doesn’t mean it’s over. Just because I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel AS OF NOW, it doesn’t mean there won’t be any more deep and dark and long and dark tunnels and caves that I will venture upon in the future. But I’ll keep holding on. I hope. Hopefully.

I really wish this sudden adrenaline to write isn’t a one-off kind of thing. I want to come back. I couldn’t really do it on paper because of the never-ending thoughts that come spewing itself at me that I could never be able to catch up. But this typing thing works as of now. I have always loved the idea of transforming my abstract thoughts that come and go into concrete elements that I would always be able to look back. I love that I am able to write and reconnect with myself through my words. This new chapter is gonna rock. And like every other, I don’t know what will come next. But I’ll have to face it anyway.

For now, it’s more lesson plans I have to face.

Til next time!

Written by GekTeng

July 17, 2014 at 12:26 AM

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A little more adult (I think)

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Hahaha! I can’t help laughing quietly at myself as I type the title of this post. It’s either I’m too anti-social and daft or hell yeah I may be right!

Oh well, not that anything is different or what. The awesome thing that makes me feel more ADULT are the performances I get to watch with friends! As in live performances. Asin go and support. And have fun. And laugh. And take lots of pictures. I’ve never done that with the BITCHES. And I’m not hinting anything negative, it’s just, different crowds draws different activities and fun. A different kind of fun. And it’s really kind of exciting and interesting and FUN FUN FUN.

Or that I’m just daft.

@ SCH for Sheena’s debut performance with the NUS winds symphony!

the ‘n-th’ group shot we had that night! hahahaa!

the official unofficial Friends of Genius Hive group shot!

alright I have to admit I look like a ghost in the picture. just a little;D

beautiful memories that are not pictured:
– me crazy after the performance. it’s like drunk without alcohol. YEP.
– whatsapp spamming of the babies’ photos between ‘friends of GHPS’ on school nights
– playing with the mirror with Pippa dearest on Friday
– Snuggly Leann singing the number song and then getting shy and running away.
– cutiepie Jeanne sitting on my lap and grasping my hand with her tiny cute ones and studying them. SUUUUUPER PRECIOUS.
– playing those shape connector toys with the N1s and learning about shapes. I showed them how 2 triangles make a square, and Javier actually made a circle with the triangles! DAEEEEEBAK!
– the short but awesome time I spent with half the K1s with the beads! We ended up stacking and balancing the beads and seeing who can make tallest and taking pictures before they collapse. So glad and proud the boys were behaving well and having an awesome time “eating” the beads with their hands. HAHAHAHA!
– changing Jeanne and unexpectedly tickling her underarms which made her giggle and giggle and giggle.
– sending quirky Natnat out skipping and singing to HSM’s “Start of something new” HEHEHEHEHE!
– Ssuper awesome first day at GHPS as a fellow attachment student
– LOCHLAN AND KERYL DARLINGS SINGING OLD MACDONALDS IN TUNE! SOOOOO TALENTED(FOR 2YO) AND HANDSOME AND KAWAIIIIIIII!

okay I’m officially missing the kids sooooo much and can’t wait for tomorrow’s concert costumes shopping and teachers performance rehearsal with my awesome colleagues!

good ol’ happy TINGZ gonna sleep with a wide smile on her face tonight

ADIOS AMIGOS. CIAOS. PEEEEEEEACE!
 

Written by GekTeng

October 25, 2012 at 11:51 PM

I’m on my way.

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The train ride from woodlands to raffles place is something I’ve got to get used to. Cos I’m gonna be taking this journey to and fro many times in the future.

The future. My future. Near future at least. The future that I can still grasp and see in my head. Well sometimes.

I finally accepted the job offer from GHPS. It’s like a rude awakening. That, hey! You’ve gotta make some choices that’s gonna affect your life forever and you’re gonna be responsible about it! Kind of wake up call. Well the nice kind that makes me wanna go forward with my life;)

It’s nice to make grown up decisions for yourself once in a while. This question and decision kind of took a long time for it to settle in my head. Heh. But then again, it’s not about whether I’m going to return to become a full-fledged teacher under GHPS, but more about whether I could bear NOT returning and NOT seeing my dearest colleagues and babies after graduation. The answer is simple. And so I went for it.

It’s 2 days since school started and an unofficial ‘off’ day on the 3rd. I’m on my way to GHPS again Hehehhe! This time gonna meet the others and off we go to watch Sheena’s debut in NUS winds.

Can’t wait to see my awesome principal and colleagues again. And the children. Oh the children. I just need some getting used to. From coming everyday 5 days a week to only a meek 2 days a week practicum thing.

A little prayer that I’m gonna stand out stronger and wiser after my last sem in NP, and that time flies by. And hopefully that I survive through all these.

So, GHPS, I’m on my way.
Sheena, I’m on my way.
Graduation trip/s, I’m on my way.
Wait for me!

Written by GekTeng

October 17, 2012 at 4:21 PM

Let the pictures talk

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I’m starting to write a journal. Yep. But you know what handwritten journals can’t do? They can’t give you the visual aspects to my life (unless I print the pictures all out!). So here it is. The past few months of my life.

Hello, balance sheet, we meet again.

the Monday-thought-was-Tuesday gelare ice-cream waffle

a nice book with a sucky ending.

Tidied up my desk! But it’s all messy now. heh!

first time hushing the toddlers to nap. there’s something very peaceful about it all.

cute sleeping baby’s cute sleeping feet. cuuuuuuuuuute!

10,000 rice dumplings for charity!

behind the scenes of it all.

A morning walk with the divaaaaaaaaa!

And then I spotted a rainbow on my doorstep(:

Ice-cream burger thing from Bakerzin on Shuhui’s birthday! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

And baskin robbins with Fiza and Yana on the last day of our elearning break! i meant week! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

Mom’s new recipe: mini tofu patties! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

And the fire drill. where I got to try on the most awesome baby carrier ever! lots of baby cuddling and swaying and being in the centre of attraction during evacuation for this event!

And then this tomato soup. SO. DAMN. DELICIOUS. ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

And of course how could we forget a cake for Xinying’s birthday! Bakerzin’s warm chocolate cake. reminded me of DA OOZE from TCC! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

And to sum the evening off. Best one I’ve had in a while!

Went to the National Skin Centre with aunt, and got the Starbucks breakfast! NYUM NYUM NYUMNOMNOM ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

and then we got some veggie sushi rolls;D ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***

And now here I am, hoping for more gatherings with old friends, more time with my babies, more ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***, more travelling around Singapore and hopefully OUT of Singapore… and less assignments.

4 more to go, to be completed within slightly less than a week’s time. Can I do it? HOPEFULLY! Then it’s HELLOOOOOOO to the holidays!

Written by GekTeng

August 2, 2012 at 2:30 AM

looooooong story short.

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Written by GekTeng

July 31, 2012 at 11:56 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

Disconnected.

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Been having headaches all day, and at the end of the day, ‘disconnected’ is the word that best describes today.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been having migraines and headaches every thursdays ever since school started. And I don’t know why.

Well one thing I know is Thursdays suck! All those tutorials and all, oh my, thinking about them again makes the headache come back.

We’ve just completed and submitted our first assignment of the semester, and starting on many others. I wonder how I’m gonna cope, seriously. But every time when I have thoughts like these, I’ll tell myself, one year later after it’s all over, you’ll look back and wonder why you even bother to get so worried. Hahaa, aftermath of the things to come.

What?

I’m not really pleased with my performance lately. With everything. I seem to be getting more and more lethargic as days pass, cos of the crazy insomniac nights I suffer. And I don’t even know why. Is it a psychological thing? Am I getting stress that I don’t even know I’m under? All I know is if I don’t get enough sleep, I will suffer. Big time.

I find myself losing focus on lots of things. Having problems with listening and understanding what people say, sometimes not even wanting to talk or converse anymore. It comes to a point where I’m not even the least interested in what is going on anymore.

I went back to GHPS today, yea, with the headaches and all that. Didn’t really do much, but was helping out at infant care, which I LOOOOOVE, by the way! They were a little shorthanded today and although there weren’t lots of kids left, there’s still a few. At some point of time I was left to jaga them alone. Now that I think about it, I think the reason why Pippa cried and why Coen decided not to drink his milk was mainly because of me! Of how unfamiliar this person is, and how they are with me alone. Yikes, I think I could have handled the situation better. Clearly I wasn’t thinking deep enough.

Ever since I started work, I found out this bad habit of mine. I dislike making mistakes. I’m afraid of making them. And I care too much about how others will think about me once I screw something up. And the bad thing is, the more I try to not screw up, the more nervous and uptight I become, and as a result, TADA. I don’t know if it’s the perfectionist in me or what, but I always feel like I could do better. And with my current state, where I can’t seem to focus, can’t seem to write notes fast enough, can’t seem to catch what the lecturer said a few minutes ago, can’t seem to figure out why my poor Pippa is crying when the only reason is because she may be insecure with me, I falter emotionally. Seriously, I can do better. I should. For the betterment of the kids I am going to teach, and of course, myself as a teacher. A soon-to-be teacher.

And sometimes I think I lack the confidence to speak up, to say no, to stand up for what I believe in, and sometimes I don’t know. I don’t know how to react and how to be street smart as a ‘working adult’.

Seriously, there’s so much I have to work on, it’s a great big world outside, and I’m just starting out. I have lots to learn. I need to be more assertive. Confident. Creative. Humble.

And just open my arms wide to accept what the world has to offer. The good, and the bad. And the ugly.

Let’s do this.

Written by GekTeng

May 3, 2012 at 11:25 PM

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Ah ma, ah Yi, and I

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Ah ma: are you going with ah Yi to buy dinner?
Me: ya, I thought I just told you I will?
Ah ma: oh okay.
Me: …
Ah ma: …
Ah Yi (who was walking with us all along): so are you coming with me or not?
Me: *sigh* …
Ah ma: eh don’t be so lazy, go with your aunt.
Me: okay, I never said I wouldn’t.
Ah Yi: so are you coming with me?

Written by GekTeng

April 30, 2012 at 12:21 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

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